In my post about MacGyver, I mentioned how jarring it was to return to a show I'd loved as a kid and realize it had been sexist all along. That thought inspired me to collect some thoughts from all of you on the subject, "a) When/how did you realize that the world treats women differently from men, and b) what made you realize that was a problem?"
The responses were varied and enthusiastic, and I'm delighted to present a few answers below, beginning with my own.
For me, one day in 1996, my dad had me watch the 1966 Batman movie with Adam West, which happened to be airing on a broadcast network at noon on a Saturday. If you haven't seen it, don't worry because you only need to know two things: it's super cheesy, and it's hilarious. My sister and I couldn't stop giggling. I loved this movie, even though I knew absolutely nothing else about Batman. (In fact, maybe my ignorance helped!)
The next day at kindergarten, I was telling everyone how funny Batman is. Boys and girls alike expressed shock that I'd watched Batman and liked it - because Batman is a boy's character. In art time, I decided to draw Batman for my dad. My classmate Justin started mocking my attempt to render Batman's cape, saying I'd made it look like a skirt, and it just went to show how no girl could possibly understand a boy hobby like Batman. I was hurt, but I knew I wasn't allowed to yell at Justin or hit him, so instead I turned the paper over and hit it with a red marker a few times. To my little 5-year-old horror, the red spots bled through and ruined my Batman picture! Justin laughed because that sure showed me, didn't it?!
This incident, I should note, was not Justin's fault. He was 5, the same as I was. But he had soaked up the message that the patriarchy steeps all of us in: that girls are inferior, and they need to be reminded of that fact. Justin wasn't mocking my drawing because it was bad. He was mocking because I had tried to meddle in a space that wasn't for me, and I needed to get back in my place.
Luckily for me, I had feminist parents. When I brought the ruined drawing home and explained the situation, Dad insisted it was a lovely picture of Batman fighting off measles, and framed it in his office to show me how proud he was. I haven't missed a Batman movie - or taken any patriarchal B.S. - since.
There was no single event. It was a slow burn. A lot of the media I was given as a kid went for the "boys and girls are the same!" message. But then the world around me didn't reflect that. A lot of small examples slowly built my opinion over the years. Like when my sister was upset that I could go out and ride my bike alone, but she couldn't, even though I'd been allowed to when I was her age. I remember the Monica Lewinsky scandal and not really understanding what the problem was, because I didn't know what [oral sex] was. But so many people were angry at Monica Lewinsky. And then as I grew up, every time that topic got pulled out from under the garbage bin, I still couldn't figure out why they were angry at her.
-Bryan (my husband)
I feel as though there was a low-level simmer of this knowledge throughout my whole life. Growing up in the 90s and 00s was a weird hellscape of "girls can do anything!" and "But not like that!" I remember being repulsed by the concept of feminism because of the ugly connotation that had formed around it in pop culture, but I still had a deep resentment of being told not to do something because I was a girl.
Probably I first felt the effects of it when I was in middle and high school. First, because as someone who loved English literature, it quickly becomes glaringly obvious how much time and energy has been spent over the centuries attempting to prevent women from enjoying sex. So much writing about virginity. Like, wow, we could have solved world hunger by now.
And secondly, because I was taller than most girls, short shorts were in style, and I spent many a class period humiliated because I'd been told I was in violation of a gender-specific dress code. I specifically remember staring a biology test, unable to write anything because I'd just been called out in front of the whole class. I never once saw a boy called out, even though those Abercrombie "real men where Abercrombie or nothing at all" shirts were super popular. Shoulders=bad. Half naked cartoon girls=fine.
The Internet really started to change the way I thought about things in college. Tumblr was like a never-ending gender studies class, and I credit it with finally opening my eyes to not just feminism, but fighting inequality and injustice in all areas of life.
-My sister
For me it was third grade when the nun apologized in the following manner: "I am sorry girls but it is a man's world. That's the way it is."
- My father
(It's worth noting that I heard that same line from my teachers, and I was in grade school nearly 40 years after my father was.)
In high school and sports. - Lay
I first realized the world treats women differently from men in the fifth grade. Myself and a male classmate were asked to pick up the milk crates from the custodian’s office for snack time. When we walked in, the female custodian looked at me and said, “Maybe you should go ask another boy in class to come carry this, it’s pretty heavy.” She didn’t address the male classmate with me about the crate being too heavy. She asked if maybe the male student could help me, while also carrying his crate. Her comments made me so mad, I remember just grabbing the crate and walking out. I think that was when I realized this behavior was a problem. I felt so judged in that moment because of my gender and even at age ten, I knew that it was not okay to be treated that way. What I didn’t know was who to talk to about it, or what I could do to fix it, so I never told anyone about the incident.
- B.M.
I was only about 7 or 8 years old when I realized what sexism was by reading Ms. Magazine. My sister is 10 years older and she subscribed to it. I realized that was a problem in 6th grade (age 12) when a contest was held at school. If I boy won he got a basketball. If a girl won she got a doll. I led a walkout of the 6th grade girls in protest. Principal agreed that winner could choose. At the school open house he told my dad: "You've got quite a little women's libber."
-Susan Stoltzfus
In early grade school. Boys and girls sat apart during lunch at my Catholic school in the 1990s. We wore different uniforms. The boys were allowed to be altar boys at Mass and the girls were not. Rules were enforced differently, teachers’ expectations were different, and most of us went on to single-sex high schools. Girls were not admitted to the most academically rigorous Catholic high school in Cincinnati; they still aren’t today. As for (b), everything about this was always obviously wrong.
-Liz K.
In primary school. It impacted my professional development as I was told I could not be a mechanic cause I was female.
-Bella
Growing up there were lots of expectations of me, even from within my own family. I'm a girl so I must wear makeup, I need to try and dress more feminine and wear more skirts and dresses. Why don't I talk about boys? I surely must have a crush at school. Even later in life when I discovered my passion for engineering, I excitedly shared that I got into an engineering school and I would be studying mechanical engineering. A family friend was very surprised and laughed, saying "A girl? Girls don't study engineering!" It was very disheartening yet at the same time stoked the fire in me to do even better and show the world that I really can do the things I want to do, and my gender has nothing to do with it.
I could see at various points in my life that this was a problem because while the confrontation would make me more driven, for other women it'd completely shut them down. Oftentimes that'd happen because they really had no support network, even amongst friends and family. I am blessed that I had a lot of really positive forces in my life, such as my grandfather who would teach me how to build birdhouse and use power tools from five years old, and would later take me to places such as the Intrepid and the Cradle of Aviation museum to teach me about aircraft. I appreciated that he always saw the potential in me because of who I was and not because of my gender. That type of support I try to pass on to everyone, regardless of gender, because no one should be told what they can and cannot do as of a result of something that they had no choice in in the first place. Everyone deserves a chance to succeed based on their own merit.
-Morgan M.
(Let's hear it for those positive forces who help carve little spaces out of the patriarchy!)
In grade school. I wanted a sticker that said "doctor" not one that said "nurse". All girls got nurse; all boys got doctor.
-Lori
I realized in 2nd grade, when we learned about the generic masculine. Of course they didn't call it that, but we learned that you used male pronouns if you were referring to a single person whose gender was unidentified. My immediate thought was "but I'm not a boy". Soon I was noticing such BS everywhere--brotherhood, mankind--and an insufferable little feminist was born.
-Karen Locascio
(Insufferable feminists of the world, unite!)
I think I’ve always known it, but I remember very clearly being the ONLY child in 2nd grade who raised my hand when the teacher asked, “Who here would like to go to the moon?” The boy in front of me turned around and told me that girls couldn’t go to the moon. I think I said I could do anything I wanted to do. After that I often found myself to be the only girl on the week long trek of the Appalachian Trail or the only one willing to race the boys on the playground, or climb the tree to the top, or jump off the limb into the swimming hole. Shockingly, not that long ago a man slightly younger than me commented on how difficult it must be for my husband because I am so independent in my thinking and I am willing to do “men’s work”. I must admit I was torn between shock that this concept still exists, and the desire to demonstrate just how strong I really am. I gave into neither. I simply commented that he was sadly narrow-minded. I realize it is a problem: every time I am mansplained to. Every time I go to buy a car or talk to a repairman. Every time I’ve been chased around a desk by a teacher, professor, manager, stranger. Every time , when, as a producer, I’ve been asked to go pick up the lunch. Every time I’ve been mugged — when police officers have felt the need to mansplain to me that I have a death wish for fighting back instead of just willingly handing over my purse/ keys/ ID / body/ etc. I find men in the world exhausting. My patience for the “Hey baby” or “now little lady” hokum is entirely worn thin. It did alter my career path, as I was tired of having to talk my way past and through alternative motives, blatant groping, and a set of standards for success that left little room for women to breath because they have to out run, out climb and out shine men both mentally and physically all day long just to be even a little bit noticed. Perhaps there are more men who know better in the 21st century. But clearly not all do. Aggressions toward women are still all too often the modus operandi in so many every day circumstances.
-Xcel
I grew up in a family that made it very, VERY clear women were different than men. Whether it was something as simple as being told I couldn't be a priest for my faith because "women can't do that" or something as large as being yelled at for becoming a feminist. I was taught that woman have their roles to fill, men have theirs, and you're wrong for wanting to see those lines crossed. In my youth I was consistently told that staying "pure" to marriage was a huge thing and was often reprimanded for my interests in it, but meanwhile my uncle's sex-capades were the highlight joke of Christmas dinners. When I got into video gaming it only got worse, as I was the butt of many jokes and have been told more than my fair share of times to "get back in the kitchen and make me a sandwich". Despite all of this, every single friend I had was male and it was honestly thanks to them I started to think differently.
Quickly I went from being just the only girl in our friend group, to being treated just like they treated everyone else in the group. Jokes were the same, stories were the same, even rough housing was the same, and I saw more often than not I could hold my ground and sometimes even be better. I started realizing that it's not a matter of what gender you associate as so much as what you yourself can do as a person and the way I grew up really started to bother me. If a woman could carry the equipment and a person in a fire, why couldn't they be a firefighter too? If I felt moved by God just as strongly as a man, why couldn't I be a priest? How many things did I not go after in my life because it was insinuated to me that women can't do that over men? Now that I'm older I see that's a problem, a huge problem. No person should be limited by something as fickle as their gender and how the world sees it.
- Amber
I was brought up going to church (a non-traditional pentacostal church claiming to be up to date with the times and non-judgmental) and from as early as I can remember I was regularly told women should submit to their husbands and men are the head of the household. This attitude was shared by my mother and for a long time I didn't know any better. Then as I moved into my early teen years I noticed our fun youth group nights had turned into weekly sessions where the girls were split from the boys in separate rooms. The boys played games next door while the girls had to sign purity contracts pledging to remain virgin's until marriage, while being lectured about how 'Eve was the one who tempted Adam' implying women are to blame for men's weakness. This is when I first realised the double standard and it really had made me question my own self worth.
-Srr
I was in fifth grade, and my religion teacher told the class girls shouldn't wear bikinis (or even tankinis) because I would be an "occasions of sin" for men (men, as in adults not similarly aged boys). I remember thinking that seemed unfair because why was it my job to make them feel better. Plus weren't adults more responsible than I was (like my parents could stay up way later than I could)? It wasn't really until late high school/early college that I could coherently identify this is as sexism/rape culture. But even at the time (and I heard this all the time in Catholic school), it felt wrong.
-Claire
I realized as a kid, when my father constantly reiterated that "men are pigs, boys are pigs in training" the more I heard it the more I wondered why men were allowed to become pigs and I, a girl, was somehow exempt from this and needed to somehow protect myself from the pigs.
- Gwen
When I was little I was not told not run around in my dress clothes so people wouldn’t see up my skirt but the boys were able to run around in their suits (my twin sister got around this by wearing shorts under her dresses which mortified my mom). I’ve always realized women being treated badly was a problem and I’ve always pushed against it. Everywhere I look I see people who are miserable because they aren’t treated like human beings. I see moms who are overwhelmed because they’re expected to work full time and also be “the mom” and they have partners who don’t parent. I see brilliant women who aren’t given proper recognition for their hard work. I see women who are accomplished judged on what they look like as their worth and not how they’ve helped and changed the world. I could never just “go with it”, that’s wrong. Society just wants me to fit in a box. People don’t fit in boxes.
-W.G.
a) While it sounds funny, being in “9 to 5” the musical as a senior in high school and learning about the sisterhood of women aligning in addition to better understanding sexism in the workplace helped me realize that the world treats women differently from men. b) Understanding the objectifying of women and income differentials made me realize that was a problem.
-A.L.
I often lend my services to other companies and one in particular I love working with is a woman-owned and operated wedding photo/video studio. For a several years, I was the only male working with them in a very crowded field where they are considered *exceptional*. Often times, while I’m working with the couples or vendors or wedding coordinators or DJs, they all just assume that I, the lone dude, is in charge of the team. I’m quick to correct and refer them to my actual boss and owner of the company, but it happens on 30-40% of the shoots I go on. I’d say I’m the least qualified person on this team in terms of raw talent but especially when it comes to running a business, but because I’m a guy I’m often the one approached as the boss.
It’s a problem because we tend to make decisions or judgements based on these tiny, ingrained stereotypes and while it may seem like a harmless mistake, it can be quite hurtful to the persons on the other end. I know I feel a pang of guilt every time the aforementioned scenario happens. My boss is infinitely gracious about it, but I’d also totally understand if her reaction was “Wtf?!”
It reminds me of that thought exercise on unconscious bias where someone tells you to close your eyes and “imagine a CEO”—most folks picture a white guy wearing an expensive suit, maybe looking stern in a board room.
Overcoming that requires a fundamental shift in perspective that only comes through practice and exposure. I’m sad to say that in the past I’ve walked into rooms and made assumptions about who I thought was in charge, but I’ve made efforts to course correct that. Working with different gendered and ethnic groups over the years has lead me to a place where that CEO picture I draw in my head varies from day-to-day as I imagine the extraordinary women I’ve had the opportunity to work with.
- Andrew
I was about four years old, running around outside with the two similarly aged neighbor boys (as kids did in 1971). We were all shirtless; it was a hot and humid Michigan summer day. One of the boys told me I had to wear a shirt because I was a girl. I felt shame, and injustice, and I was so angry. I ran inside to ask my mother what he was talking about, sure that he was wrong, and mean, and a jerk. I still remember the sadness in her face as she tried to explain the unexplainable. I have never been able to make those feelings, the feelings of shame and anger, completely disappear - they are what I associate with being female in this world. I know that the shame is irrational, that society's rules and preconceptions weren't of my making then. I pray that I haven't contributed to them since, although I know it's unavoidable.
-Kerry Greene
When I was 5 and I kept being told I couldn't do things because I was a girl.
-Paula
a) early childhood, boys were expected to work from an early age and girls were not.
b) I didn't see this as a problem until I was 15 and started dating, I soon found out a lot of my female friends in high school had been abused at some point.
-HR
(Raise your hand if you ever had to make a police report against a boy you knew in high school! 🖐)
When I was 19 and coaching club soccer and a ~45 year old man came across the field to yell at me about an issue from the previous time we had played that team. He yelled at me for a good seven minutes. I apologized profusely and just took it. Afterwards I realized he had walked right by my co coach (male) first and could have yelled at him but obviously didn't. I wish I could go back in time and deal with this in an entirely different way.
-Anastasia Beaverhausen
(OK, now raise your hand if you've been screamed at by an adult man over something that wasn't your fault! 🖐)
I was at the all district track meet when I was in 3rd grade on 1974 and noticed most of the teachers were women but all the principals were men. I asked my teacher, Mrs. Z., why no women were principals. She said, "That's a great question." I went to ask my principal, Mr. R. and he said, "Women are great at teaching children, and men good at leading grownups." 15 years later, Dr. R, now director of personnel, hired me as now a female principal asked him to. She had to sue to get the job.
-Finn
Weirdly, I think I noticed it first in how women were represented in fiction. I loved Thomas the Tank Engine when I was 3-5 years old, and I didn't really think about the fact that the engines were all boys until the stories introduced a girl engine. Her name was Mavis, and she was a diesel (TtTE was very pro-steam engine). She spent most of the first story where she appeared annoying Toby the tram engine with her arrogance. After that I wondered, "Why is there just ONE girl engine?" Then I got a little older, and my father introduced me to the original Star Wars trilogy when I was seven. I wanted to be a Jedi really badly so I could have a blue lightsaber. There was just one problem with that: no women or girls held lightsabers in the Original Trilogy. For a little while, I thought only boys could be Jedi, kind of like the Catholic priesthood (my family is Catholic). Then I decided I could imagine I was a Jedi, even if George Lucas didn't think I could be one.
-Hermione Vader
(Editor's Note: It is not at all "weird" to notice sexism from how women are represented in fiction and I will fight you on that.)
I was born and grew up in Arab countries with majority Muslim populations so it was always just a fact of life for me. I only realized it was a problem when I moved to the US and attended a women's college and discovered there was another way to live.
-Stefaniya
I started getting cat called at age 11. It was pretty clear to me from that point on. It was immediately a problem because I was legitimately scared of these men and what they could do to me.
-TL
(I'd ask you to raise your hands if you've ever been legitimately scared of a man, but frankly, I think we already know the answer...)
a.) In High School when I started doing research on the witch craze in Europe. BUT I learn something new (and horrible) every day it seems.
b.) For the first round seeing women being targeted and killed was a huge problem. Like I said when a huge swath of the population is put down for no other reason than gender I would say it is a massive problem. Followed only by the vast majority of men who fail to see it at all.
-Tim Brannan
(Shout out to the men who do see it - insufferable feminists like me always appreciate your support!)
The above compilation of powerful stories represents what I managed to collect in less than 2 weeks, through a simple Google Form. I also know for a fact that some people I know found themselves unable to answer - not because they hadn't experienced sexism, but because they couldn't narrow down when they first experienced it. The patriarchy is so omnipresent that we can't always see it, just as a fish can't tell you that it's wet.
When a system surrounds you for your entire life, dominating everything you do or think, it can feel impossible to imagine anything outside it. In fact, the reason this blog exists is that even franchises that urgently want to change the world for the better usually can't picture a world not run by patriarchy. This International Women's Day, let me encourage you all: don't be afraid to dream a little bigger! And until the world is ready to smash the systems that hold us back, don't give up on finding a space where we're free to be you and me. Keep those sexy lamps burning.